Thursday, June 18, 2015

No way back

Originally I was going to title this post "My Many Last Times", a fitting title for a post concerning my last two weeks before the flight and the start of my adventure.
But as any writer knows, things rarely end up as you expect them to be written.
My last two weeks up until today started slowly, calmly and with no hint of anything special to come, at least for me. I spent my last few days at home on my computer, mainly watching You Tube as I usually do when I don't feel like playing anything from my Steam account, and apart for my mother making my favorite dish for my last day at home, it felt like another Saturday to me.
I think the first hint of anxiety hit me when I went to sleep the day after. I spent the day with one of my best friends and crashed on a spare mattress at his place late that night and had a dream that woke me up in cold sweat. It looks like a silly dream now, but in it Guy got lost at the airport, the travel agency got bankrupt, the plane stalled, Japan decided on a strict "No Foreigners" policy and I lost my hat.
 I like my hat.
I paid it no mind at the time, laughing it off as something small and insignificant, but as the days passed it grew inside me. For the first time for a long time I felt the enormity of what I was about to do.
I spent most of my time with my Girlfriend, trying to make our last days together as pleasurable (and maybe somewhat romantic) as I can. We cried a bit when I left and cuddled some more, but all the time I spent with her my mind went overseas.
The height of this "Pre-flight" period came at our "Farewell Party". People came from all over, ate my food, drank every bit of alcohol Omri had at his place, threw up and passed out in spades, it was glorious. This was also the first time I admitted to myself, I'm nervous.
As I watched my friends eat and drink and congratulate us, as I saw how much they are happy for us, I realized how nervous I really am. as much as I tried to tell myself "I'm the calm one", "I know what I'm doing", "I've got this." in reality, I'm a mess.
I am afraid, so very afraid, this thing is terrifying, paralyzing! When one stands before his dreams he feels their magnitude. This is crazy, what kind of idiot am I to try something like this? But I kept this in, I kept on going like everything is peachy, tried to be calm.
So obviously it call exploded and collapsed the day after.
Me and guy had our first fight. it was natural to happen, and I'm sure it wont be our last, but it might actually be our first fight ever. not a "first trip related fight" but any fight. so its natural I felt it come down like a river, this was my breaking point, this was when I let it out.
Not to guy obviously, but to another friend. I let out my fears, as I'm sure Guy did too. and even tough were like two mules still keeping quite with tension and anxiety, and even tough I still haven't apologized on my side of the argument, I think the mountain is behind us. At least this one.
Now, there is no turning back.
Now, a few hours before the flight, all were missing is the plane.
One day I will look back on my fears today and laugh how silly I was, but today is not that day. Today I think I'll take another pee break and pray I'll be able to sleep.

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